I have not posted in so long and there are a few reasons for that, which I am hoping to explain today. If anybody is uncomfortable talking about death or acute illnesses then it may be best to not carry on reading.
I never expected to make this post, at least not this soon. Unfortunately my auntie passed away 3 days ago and it was such a shock for me personally because it really gave me a wake up call that hey people do eventually die and that really sucks. I have only experienced death in this way when my grandfather passed away back in 2015 – if you want to read more of that story then click here. The point I am trying to make is that death is scary and that is something I am constantly having to prepare for myself for. My auntie passing away was very sudden and now I am planning to leave for London to attend her funeral; which is 4 days before my final exam.
Accepting loss is something I have had to learn because I am a very attached person; and not just to people but objects too. So in a way, this post is accepting all of this loss and loss which will inevitably come in the next couple of years – and maybe writing this is a positive thing because it is there.
Both of my grandparents have terminal illnesses, my grandpa has cancer and my grandma has dementia. My family found out a month or so ago that my grandpa’s cancer is at that stage where this will be his last chemotherapy. If the treatment work then it can prolong his life up to 2 years, but it doesn’t then it is around 6-9 months. That news hit me so hard as I am very close to grandpa. And my grandmas dementia is rapidly getting worse. Her condition is at the stage where she cannot remember that her son is married, or that her parents passed away quite some time ago. It is so difficult to physically see how she has become. I am extremely close to both of my grandparents as they only live 10 minutes from my parents house, which meant my sister and I were always around their house on weekends. My grandpa has been a massive influence/motivator for me as he has always pushed me out of my comfort zone – such as joining a pantomine group that my grandpa helped put together for like 3-4 years.
Writing this post was so hard; there were times where my mind would go completely blank and I had no idea how to even describe this. And there were times that I got teary to actual crying because it feels like another realisation of the fact that oh shit there will come a time soon where my grandparents will no longer be with us. I know this post is very short but this is not the time/place to go into detail on coping with cancer and dementia. But this is happening, and it is very real. And I genuinely have no idea whether I will be able to cope when my grandpa finishes treatment and we find out what will happen or if my grandma cannot remember anything. It scares me.
I honestly think the only thing stopping me from having a complete breakdown over ALL of this is university. I have exams starting tomorrow, deadlines for my online course due on my last exam as well as a court report. I cannot fault my university, especially my personal tutor and mentor support for making sure that I am ok, and that additional support is available.
Anyway, I am probably not going to be active for a few more weeks due to exams, going away to Cornwall for family time and just taking some time out to relax. If anyone who reads this has had the same experience or can relate then please get in touch. Or if anyone is struggling then remember that help is there whether it is a friend, family, doctor or onine support.